Something huge happened on Bravo last week.
The network gifted unto us not one, not two, but three season premieres. On Sunday, there was The Real Housewives of Potomac (women in a wealthy DC suburb that you may have you absolutely have not heard of); on Monday, there was Southern Charm (young people in Charleston, except some of them are less young and one is a former state official that went to jail for coke that one time); and on Wednesday, there was The Real Housewives of New York (needs no introduction and honestly, if you’re not yet watching it, I’d suggest you’d catch yourself up real quick). Having now slowly descended from the heights of my Bravo-induced high, I’ve pieced together a few predictions and aspirations for the season to come.
Season Predictions: The Real Housewives of Potomac
- Charrisse drops a single.
“Some of these chicks talk behind my back, but if you see how they’re living it’s a little bit whack” – Charrisse
Imagine Charrisse’s assent to the esteemed ranks of Jo de la Rosa, Gretchen Rossi, Melissa Gorga, Erika Jayne and, of course, the (former) Countess herself. Charrisse (and her alter ego Sha Sha) warmed us up to her talents last season during a surprise rap exhibition at her fiftieth birthday party. This season, we open with her iPhone-recorded performance as she struts her hallways on a hoverboard, her fifteen-year-old daughter in tow. No word of a single yet, but I have to imagine it’s only a matter of time (and until then, I’ll be counting down the days until it drops).
- Ashley and Michael renew their vows.
“Ashley loves to hump. This time, she was humping for a cause” – Karen
While Michael had his chance in the spotlight last season for grabbing a male friend’s butt (I guess that passes as a storyline?), the current season seems poised to take a deeper look at the cracks in his relationship with his wife Ashley. That being said, there’s nothing a struggling Housewife relationship loves more (and nothing that, in this franchise, has been a more dependable kiss of death) than a vow renewal. No doubt, Ashely and Michael will cater theirs with the offerings of the couple’s struggling Australian restaurant (emu and kangaroos of the world – hide!)
- Karen’s fall from grace.
“I don’t do tiny” <gestures to her chest> – Karen
Previews of the season already suggest that Karen may be on her way out of Potomac. But beyond that, Karen’s behavior in the show’s season premiere hints at a pending downfall. Her typical posturing has fired into overdrive, culminating in her referring to her husband as “DOCTOR black Bill Gates” (though I suppose it’s possible he got an MD in his downtime?) and lifting a haughty nose to the “poop room in the dining room” of a $1.2 million-dollar home. Hopefully, these behaviors only mean that Karen’s just being more Karen-y than usual (this is the woman, after all, who threw a fit over the seating arrangements at a casual lunch last season)…but they could also be a vain attempt to cover a crumbling reality.
New episodes of The Real Housewives of Potomac air 9pm ET Sunday on Bravo and are available the next day on-demand.
Season Predictions: Southern Charm
- Craig still doesn’t become a lawyer (and everyone still wants to talk about it)
“He couldn’t get p***y in a monkey whorehouse with a stack of bananas over his shoulder” – Shep
No matter how persistently the cast insists on beating this dead horse, it is a thousand times more interesting to speculate about why Craig is not a lawyer than it would be to watch him actually be one. Imagine the scene: Craig, sifting through an electronic data room, keeps his firm’s IT department on speed dial because their firewall keeps kicking him off the system (“Yes, it’s the right password. I…no…I swear, this worked for me at home. Here, let send you a screenshot…”). Craig, past midnight, struggles to decipher a partner’s hand-marked comments (desperately holding a page up to the camera, he implores, “could this be a ‘g’?? Does that look like a ‘g’ to you?”) I’d rather watch Landon draw screenshots of her travel magazine.
- We see far more of Kathryn’s cousin Shelby than we need to
“Genuinely in her heart she’s a sweet girl…but she’s just confused and a little craycray” – Eliza
There’s a special place in my heart for those who try valiantly – and fail miserably – to worm their way into an already-established reality cast. Lurking at the edge of every scene, they’re constantly trying to demonstrate that they have what it takes – shrieking about their $10,000 sunglasses, showing us their selfies from forbidden trysts, and even (in one special case) just being Faye Resnick.
Where many have tried, none have succeeded with the gravitas of one Kathryn Calhoun Dennis. Even in the show’s first season, when she was not yet a cast member, she single-handily forged much of what the show is today (and still had time to make a baby in the process). Now that she’s on the cast, her grip is that much stronger – appearing in the season premiere only briefly, and delivering most of her dialogue as a disembodied voice in Craig’s car, the story (and even the episode title) is still clearly all about her.
Which brings us back to Shelby, soaking up her moment the season by gossiping to anyone who will listen about Kathryn’s latest drug scandal. Try as she might to follow in her cousin’s footsteps onto the cast…this show already has more than enough Calhoun to go around.
- Landon and Thomas ride off into the sunset….and, looking down, see Kathryn clutching the hind legs of their horse.
“Last year was s**t” – Landon
Bravo got me. They got me last year when, in the final moments of the third season, that random girl that Shep brought to the Founders Ball uttered the 12 most earth-shattering words that have ever been strung together, seemingly confirming the season’s most scandalous rumor: “Do you think Landon’s going to admit that she slept with Thomas?” And they got me this year when, in the first three minutes of the season premiere, they showed a scene suggesting that Thomas and Landon would be together at the end of it all. I want to believe it’s true, I kind of believe it’s not – but I’m all in for the journey.
New episodes of Southern Charm air 9pm ET Monday on Bravo and are available the next day on-demand.
Season Predictions: The Real Housewives of New York
- It will always, ALWAYS be about Tom
“It’s really Tom’s penis. That’s the reason that nobody’s going to the wedding …” – Bethenny
There’s something about the words “fairytale wedding” that puts my Spidey sense on high alert. Triggering thoughts of grandiose ambition and unrealistic expectations, I immediately know that the bright-eyed optimist who uttered such a phrase is in for a nasty tumble.
Luann, unleashing these two dreaded words in the RHONY season premiere, was already mid-freefall before the season started. Last season’s bombshells about Tom’s (her fiancé) past relations with two of her Housewife castmates, along with photographic evidence of his cheating, echo throughout the episode. And since Ramona has gone full-on Meghan King Edmonds this season, making phone calls and taking names in her efforts to seek the truth, it’s safe to assume that she will continue to drag those poor echoes along for many episodes to come.
- The assistants rise up, Les Mis-style.
“You know what, it’s good to aim high…So yah might need these sequined, crotchless Pucci pants” – Bethenny
“I can hear the people sing. With bright smiles glued onto their face, their songs ring out behind their glued-on smiles as they poop-scoop for two puppies, while their boss gushes about the sale of her seven-million-dollar apartment. During the RHONY season premiere, it became apparent that young assistants are the number one New York Housewife accessory (narrowly edging out ancient fluffy white dogs for the title). Sonja started the trend with her ‘interns’ (long live Pickles, currently replaced by wide-eyed Connor, whose duties seem to be to play along and pretend that Sonja’s door buzzer actually works), and her castmates have followed in her footsteps. Bethenny has her minions, Ramona apparently has Miriam, and even Carole has Adam (her much younger boyfriend with whom she is now, as the kids say, “shacking up”). As the show’s young population expands, so too will their chance to shine – and hopefully, they’ll make it memorable.
- Return of Caburlesque.
“Don’t call me a sinner [ba-dump ba-dump] because I’m a winner”- Sonja, circa 2011
OK, this is more a piece of fan fiction than it is a prediction. With a grip on her lines as strong as her grip on reality, Sonja’s season premiere off-Broadway rehearsal was showcase of her commitment to improv (even when there’s a script). The scene culminated in a flashback to her over-the-top Caburlesque run (which you just have to see to believe), reminding us that Sonja Morgan forever belongs on our televisions and in our hearts.
New episodes of The Real Housewives of New York air 9pm ET Wednesday on Bravo and are available the next day on-demand.