Reality Roundup: Save the Thrones

As quickly as it came upon us, this year’s Game of Thrones season has drawn to a close.  Still, echoes of the Thrones permeate many pieces of pop culture – and reality TV is no exception.  In recent weeks, the obvious parallels between real world (as portrayed through the reality lens) and fantasy have never been stronger.

Date Night Live

As head of the one-woman campaign for the return of Date Night Live, the show that gives you everything you want in its two-hour shots of the world’s most painful first dates, I would be remiss to overlook the only television dragon to outshine the Thrones kind.

I’m talking, of course, about Miriam, the fire-breather date of the freestlye rapper/healer Te’Devan, who featured heavily in the show’s second episode.  Heroically holding back laughter as her date melodically moaned his mantra, she held her tongue even after he uttered the icebreaking “We’re just going to sit here and just experience the silence.  Which is who we actually are.”

Instead, Miriam waited for her moment to drop her true identity on her unsuspecting date.

When she first said “I’m a dragon,” Te’Devan tried to steer the conversation towards Chinese astrology – but Miriam was having none of that.  “I mean…I’m a fire-breather,” she explained “so I am literally a dragon, I guess.”  Setting aside her own loose use of “literally,” she nevertheless came extremely close to literally rehashing the Game of Thrones ‘fire and ice’ theme with her self-satisfied explanation of “I connect with both the elements of fire and water.”

Unfortunately for Te’Devan, her connection with him didn’t come nearly as easily – but as far as pitfalls go, that’s pretty par for the Date Night Live course.

Watch the first four episodes of Date Night Live on-demand through Lifetime.

Million Dollar Matchmaker

The moment that lovelorn David self-described as a ‘high-powered lawyer,” echoes of Tywin Lannister admonishing a petulant Joffrey with “any man who must say ‘I am the king’ is no true king” swirled in ominously accurate warning.

38-year-old David’s ‘high-powered’ status was called into question by the obvious lack of power over his twenty-two-year-old date.  Despite her gentle prodding of “when you asked me to call you grandpa, that was a little bit of a red flag to me” (if by “little bit of a red flag,” she means “completely horrifying and absolutely inappropriate, especially when said to a total stranger on a first date,” I guess she’s right), not even David’s Million Dollar rejection could cause a course correction in his dating life.  As addicted to the millennial crowd as Joffrey was to his crossbow, we can only guess what fate lies in store for David upon his return to “high powered” dating life.

The current signs are, to say the least…not promising.

New episodes of Million Dollar Matchmaker air 9:00pm ET Fridays on WEtv.  Recent episodes are available on-demand.

The Real Housewives of Dallas

Warning: Minor Game of Thrones season 7 spoilers ahead.

Planting the tell-tale scroll of Sansa’s forced allegiance with the Lannisters, Littlefinger’s scheme to divide the Stark sisters played on the tension intertwining the girls’ relationship from the series’ opening episodes.    And while the whole plot played out less than ideally for Littlefinger himself, the scroll’s modern-day equivalent – a text message – has similarly crawled its way (via the vessel otherwise known as LeeAnne Locken) to the center of feuding soul sisters Brandi and Stephanie.

What had started as an apparent misunderstanding over a Bravo TV blog post has formed the focus of the open episodes of Dallas’ second season, in which the once inseparable ‘Jesus Juice’-chuggers have been noticeably separate.  LeeAnne and Cary shared a casual, dog-walking chat over the fate of their castmates’ friendship in the season opener, prompting Cary to run back to Stephanie with accusations of LeeAnne’s meddling, and Stephanie to text Brandi a warning about LeeAnne in response.

With Cary firmly in Stephanie’s corner and LeeAnne backing up Brandi, the text became the center of a dramatic showdown at an otherwise incredibly undramatic doggy costume contest.  Naturally, LeeAnne had arrived in a hot dog outfit in order to match her own dog’s costume (I think I like the way they do things in Dallas).

“If you think that I am not willing to take this d*** off my head and get down to the bottom of this text, then you’ve got another think coming and you do not know LeeAnne Locken,” she scolded the camera, with every ounce of severity she could muster while wearing, well, a stripe of mustard down her front.

The confrontation ended with Brandi and Stephanie agreeing to talk, suggesting that their outcome may be far less grim than what lay in wait for out-of-luck Littlefinger.  Still, that doesn’t mean that their healing process will be any less painful.  As Brandi grimly pointed out, “dogs in wigs and costumes…I wonder who’s more miserable.”

New episodes of The Real Housewives of Dallas air 10:00pm ET Mondays on Bravo and are available the next day on-demand.

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