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A (Not So) Deep Dive with ‘Floribama Shore’

Based on my Southern Charm obsession alone, it’s fair to say I’m a sucker for anything with an accent. Luckily for me, there’s plenty of that washing up on Floribama Shore‘s belligerently drunken beaches. Now in its second season, with SallyAnn Salsano (of Jersey Shore and – lest we forget – Hunter Mountain fame) still at its helm, the show follows the eight original Floribama housemates as they troll Panama City Beach in their “Thot“-mobile.  Low after delightful all-time low, they take on each new night club and house fight with, erm, distinctive fanfare.

But despite itself, the show actually has more to offer than a massive, slow-motion, southern trainwreck (although, rest assured, there’s plenty of that to go around).  Below the countless layers of stale tequila, crawfish, and used condoms, there’s something that resembles actual human beings.  And the MTV cameras – bless their hearts – are there to capture them all.

“Nilsa is a walking social media model.  I’m a human being.  And razor bumps [are] a real thing” – Candace

If you skip right past the name of her ‘boo-thang” (which….she must be punking us, right?) Candace actually seems relatively cool.

Yes, she drags an unfortunately dubbed “pimp cup” around like a safety blanket, but hey, who doesn’t have their quirks?  And while there’s little in this world that could ever get me excited about a bikini contest(, Candace apparently can.  Her sweet show of confidence in the competition after episodes of non-faked fretting genuinely had me rooting for the underdog.

“What if she pees in your bed again, Candace?” – Codi

“Kortni might be drunk but the b**** ain’t stupid” – Candace

Candace kicked off the season with the gift of adult diapers to Kortni.  Kortini, naturally, was left with no choice but to take them for an ANTM-style test drive (and terrorize the house with her soggy results).  Of course, this whole cast seems like they may benefit from a final round of potty training. Some things – like watching Nilsa drunkenly use the middle console of a taxi as her own personal urinal – you just can never unsee.

But for what Kortni may lack in toddler-level skills, she more than makes up for with her highly intuitive medical process.  After punching a wall and suspecting she had broken her hand in the process, her intensive healing regime was along the lines of the following:

  1. Pile up the shots to drink the pain away;
  2. Be continuously drunk for 48 hours; and finally
  3. Stumble, in a hungover haze, to the doctor.

In Kortni’s defense, her hand wasn’t actually broken, so it could have been a whole lot worse.

“I always thought Nilsa was an attractive girl.  At least from a looks standpoint” – Gus

I feel so close to Gus now after watching him (in a completely PG, under-a-blanket kind of way) make sweet love to some rando from a bar.  The sentiment was further compounded by 1) the natural ease with which he takes to the cover of smutty romance novels, and 2) his confounding ability to work through crisis of conscience wearing a pair of overalls with nothing underneath.

As a result, I have faith that there’s more to Gus than meets the eye (and – to be clear – there’s a LOT that he exposes to said eye).  His post-birthday bash breakdown (where suddenly Kirk’s arrest and Nilsa throwing a drink in Codi’s face became all about Gus) would make any Real Housewife proud.  Without a doubt, Gus has both the look and the complete lack of any self-awareness to really make this show shine.

“I throw up.  I don’t give up” – Codi

Beneath that fluffy head of “guy-lights,” Codi (intermittently pronounced “Code-Eye”) benefits from a mind-blowing dose of unfounded self confidence.  He proudly refuses to work out with his muscle-strapped roommates (as he sees it, dad bods are in). He’s obliviously insistent that he can make anything happen with Candace ( who is orbits out of Codi’s league).  Al in all, it’s not entirely clear what’s shaping Codi’s world view.  Still, based on his innate ability to stir up drama in the house, I’m happy to have him along for the ride.

 

“At this point it’s established, if you touch anything that’s someone else’s, it’s prison rules.” – Kirk

Despite that one time he almost got arrested, Kirk is pretty much the only member of this house that seems somewhat capable of logical thought.  When he’s not advocating for new house rules, you can catch him trying to impose parliamentary procedure on the drunken debates of his fellow Floribama-ers.  Hang in there, Kirk.  I’m rooting for you.

New episodes of Floribama Shore air Mondays at 10pm onMTV and are available the next day on demand.